Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
