i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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