I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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