New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize