what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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