i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
