i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
