just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
