Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
