Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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