I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
