sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
