god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize