I will die if light touches me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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