$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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