There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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