I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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