You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
