textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
