Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
