i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
