Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just cropdusted the office
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
