im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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