I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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