He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
