You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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