a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
