Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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