are you still at the devil's house?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
