just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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