he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
