Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
