I got her a Nickelback box set.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
