then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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