Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
