I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
