I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
