i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
