Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the day after is always just damage control
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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