Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
