Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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