i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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