So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
