so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
