It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
