I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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