literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
