Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
