I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
