woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
