thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
