do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
