sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
