Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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