Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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