hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
