my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
