Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
