Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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