All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
