i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
40s are totally the cure
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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