he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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