Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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