ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
