My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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