I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
