His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
