if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
