my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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