im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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